Let Me Tell You About Your Son

Forty two years ago, there was a boy born to a young couple who'd been married for just over a year. They gave him a name to honor passed ancestors, but they called him Yimi which could easily be anglicized to "Jimmy" to blend in with the other kids. Yimi's bright blue eyes and snow white hair made everyone who saw him gasp at his handsome little features. Everyone said he'd be quite the heartbreaker when he got older and they were right. People began to notice Yimi as being too "pretty" by the time he was nine. The other kids began to bully him because he was perceived as different. His parents did everything they could to console the child, saying they were jealous and they didn't know the real him. Their love for Yimi was immense because he was their first born and perfect, there would never be another like him. When that blond hair, blue eyed boy was eleven, he began to realize he was different and his relationship with parents changed forever.

He had only one friend, Alex, who was also frequently picked on by the rest of the kids because his parents were of mixed race. Alex and Yimi spent a lot of time together building forts, playing Atari, or biking to the lake to jump off a bridge. They were inseparable.  Alex was a couple years older than Yimi and had older brothers. He was Yimi's world because he was the only kid who seemed to understand him. One day Alex brought some dirty magazines to their fort and Yimi's curiosities were sparked and he began to experiment. What they felt at that moment was completely natural for the boys and their experimentation evolved into schoolboys' relationship. Yimi's father caught them kissing one afternoon and put and immediate end to their friendship. Yimi was never to see Alex again.

Yimi's parents felt a great deal of shame and anguish for the horrific acts their son had done. There was no way an old family with deep Southern roots could be gay, especially since their child was to be ceremonially bound to their religious beliefs in less than two years. In their desperation they sent Yimi to a psychiatric hospital three hundred miles away, where they were certain he would not be seen by anyone they knew. The doctors performed all kinds of tests on Yimi to see if there was anything physically wrong. His blood and urine was clean and his EEG was pretty normal. They began to test drugs to see if they could find a combination that would curb his sexual desires.  They eventually deemed him fit to return home after six months of therapy with a regimen of four pills to take every day.

Yimi's life seemed good on the outside. He did things "normal" boys his age did. He focused on his studies, both educational and religious. He rode his bike for miles whenever he could. He made a few new friends and even joined the high school marching band, even though he was still in middle school. He even met a girl who would become his best friend that everyone assumed was his girlfriend. Yimi knew something was missing and his head was too filled with the expectations of others to figure out what it was. His parents couldn't be happier with the progress their "perfect" son had made.

Yimi was invited to a homecoming party with some of his older friends from the marching band when he was thirteen. Everything about the party had things his parents had forbidden; drinking, smoking, and horror movies. He got pretty drunk at the party and his good friend, Jeff, knew that sending him home in that condition would be the worst possible thing he could do. Jeff called Yimi's parents to say he would be spending the night with him because his truck's battery died and he'd be home first thing in the morning. Yimi drunkenly confessed his attraction to Jeff that night and he admitted he shared those feelings. Jeff and Yimi had become lovers that night. Their secret relationship lasted a few months and Yimi finally began to feel normal and finally happy with himself.

Yimi's father began to notice a change in him and waited until his younger sisters had gone to bed to have a man to man conversation. They sat on the porch with a beer in their hands and talked about a lot of little things. Finally, his father asked him if he was gay again.  Yimi knew this was coming and answered truthfully, that he was gay and fully understood what that meant. He expressed how he felt about another, nameless, boy and he couldn't be happier. His father seemed to accept his answers and they shared a couple more beers before going to bed. Yimi went to bed feeling relieved that he didn't have to hide anymore.

A week later the family had decided to take a road trip to an amusement park in another state.  All of the kids were excited and sang Don't Worry Be Happy, even though they were all off key and their parents cringed every time it came on the radio. They got off the interstate and drove to a small complex of buildings that their father called a hotel. Yimi realized immediately that it was another hospital. When they got out of the car Yimi realized the only bag in the trunk was his, he would not be returning with the family. 

The receptionist called his parents by name as they walked through the door.  His sisters were sent to a small play area just off the lobby. A door opened with a buzz and out came three people who introduced themselves as a therapist and two unit aides. One of the aides took Yimi's bag and the other two met with his parents and him in a small office.  It was decided that Yimi would stay for treatment. Another round of tests and medication combinations were to be tried for the next eight months. Because Yimi's issues were of a sexual nature it was decided he would need to be transferred from the Adolescent Unit to the Adult Unit. Yimi was "home schooled" during that time through the hospital to give some sense of normalcy. Eventually, the "right combination medications" was found and Yimi was to be sent home. The side effects of the pills were quite severe and cost him much of his vision, but a pill typically given to Parkinson's Disease patients helped with that. Yimi's parents picked him up with the hopes he would become a productive member of society rather than the deviant they abandoned months before.

Yimi's home life was very stagnate and he began to put on weight. He didn't play his trumpet, his bike lay rusting in the yard, and his horse wasn't ridden. He spent much of his time in his room in silence saying he was reading, but in all honesty he couldn't concentrate on any of the books on his shelves. Shortly before his fifteenth birthday a miracle happened, his parents had forgotten to refill his medications and it was a long weekend due to holidays. His head began to clear and he started getting more active around the house. While not his old self, he was functional enough to do some of the things he loved best. He also realized what he had to do during this brief moment of clarity.

The prescriptions were refilled and the drugs were reintroduced to Yimi's system.  Yimi had learned how to force himself to be sick each morning and no one noticed. His head had completely cleared after a couple months and he made sure he acted stoic enough to keep his parents in the dark about what he was doing. He continued to hide in his room as much as possible and sat on the sofa watching television with the family making sure to keep his laughter hidden. His mother had noticed some weight loss and questioned it, but his father said a boy's body goes through changes during puberty and not to worry. Early one autumn morning, Yimi packed his school duffel bag with clothes and left. Yimi was finally free.

He managed to get to Billings where he knew he would be able to find some sort of help; after all it was the biggest city in the state. Instead he found no succor. The shelter wouldn't take him because he was a minor, the churches did no more than offer a little food, and everyone wanted to call the police to have him returned to his parents. Instead he found a way to survive on his own. There was plenty of food in trash cans. The local all night laundromat provided plenty of heat. And his body was able to earn him money when absolutely necessary. Sometimes he was able to get a hot shower, fresh food, and even the gift of new clothes. His life wasn't what he wanted, but he was free from his parents.

One November night Yimi was huddled in his plywood crate behind the laundromat when a man was leaving the bar through the back door and spotted him. He looked at Yimi with tears in his eyes and asked him to come to his home. This had become fairly routine for Yimi so he had no problems with what he knew would happen.  The man introduced himself as Audie and they walked to his car. Even though there was snow on the ground, Audie had to keep the windows partially open to vent Yimi's odor during the drive. Once at the two story home on the nice side of town, Audie took the skeletal kid directly to a bathroom and proceeded to fill the tub while helping him undress. Yimi always enjoyed the feeling of being in hot water and stayed in the tub until the water grew cold. Audie checked to see if the boy was adequately clean and helped him from the bath to dry him off. Yimi was then given a robe and a pair of slippers that were too big. Mouth watering smells were coming from the kitchen and Yimi was treated to one of the most delicious meals he'd had in months. When he could eat no more, Yimi was led to a bedroom and tucked into bed. The lights were turned off and he drifted into a deep sleep, the best he ever had.

Audie asked Yimi to stay with him for a while, with the conditions that he not steal from him and he went back to school.  Yimi agreed without hesitation. Audie was very kind to him and never asked for anything that the others had. Yimi told him he was gay and Audie said he knew and was also gay. Audie requested the boy call his parents after a few days and Yimi agreed. His father answered the phone and told him to not go home or call again. Yimi cried and Audie was there to hold him. Over the next couple months, Audie did everything he could to make sure Yimi's needs were met. Eventually a path to emancipation was found and followed. Yimi's parents didn't bother to show up to the hearing. Yimi was "legally an adult" and was able to start building his own life. Audie quickly enrolled Yimi into school so he could finish his education. Audie became the friend and companion Yimi had always wanted.

Yimi finally admitted his feelings for Audie and was met with hesitation. Yimi was only fifteen, but extraordinarily mature for his age, and Audie had just turned thirty two. Yimi was heartbroken until Audie sat him down to talk about his feelings and how he wanted to be with Yimi for all the "right reasons." The pair were handfasted the following month, married within the tenets of Audie's religious beliefs. They renewed their vows each year on their anniversary for the next eight years.

Audie lost his battle with AIDS and cancer and Yimi's world fell apart and you weren't there to help him in his greatest time of need. Audie's mother had overturned his will after convincing a judge that the seven year old document was filed when he was not of sound mind. Yimi was rendered homeless and told he could only take what was on paper as his: his clothes, his Ford Ranger, and a few trinkets from the home. Yimi reached out to his parents, but they had temporarily divorced and neither would help him. Audie and Yimi had always talked about going to Florida, what people on AOL had called the Gay Mecca, but couldn't because Audie had grown too ill. Yimi made the drive alone, prostituting for gas and food, to get to the one place he knew he would feel welcome. Instead he found communities with older men who wanted nothing more to use him. He was back to where he was at fourteen, a homeless prostitute sleeping in a truck with a sheltie to keep him warm.

A DJ, named Chris, in a gay bar met Yimi and took a liking to him. He felt sorry for Yimi and offered him a home in exchange for sexual favors. Yimi agreed since that's all he was worth anyway. Yimi was able to clean up and piece together a few shards of himself enough to get a menial job at the local grocery store. Chris had suggested he go to church with him, but Yimi refused because he couldn't worship a god that used him as his personal whipping boy. Their living situation grew worse as Yimi became more independent after getting a job in a local governmental office. Chris began to abuse Yimi, beating him and his dog, until the neighbors finally called the police and Chris was arrested. Chris called Yimi from the jail to apologize, but Yimi knew it wouldn't end. He packed up his stuff and moved with his dog across the state.

Yimi was able to find a job and apartment very quickly and begin his new life. He took a new nickname, Angel (from Angelus on Buffy the Vampire Slayer), to make it harder to be found by Chris. He found his new home had a very close knit gay community and was welcomed with open arms. He learned that they genuinely liked him and had no expectations that could hurt him physically or mentally. Unfortunately Yimi couldn't hide from the past and suffered nightmares, depression, and made a few attempts at suicide. His friends were there for him, especially those who knew everything that had happened to him in his youth. One well meaning friend introduced him to a rabbi, who took a deep interest in him. Yimi told him his new nickname, but the rabbi wanted to know his real name. He told the rabbi his birth name and rabbi said it was a proud name and he liked it. Despite his previous misgivings about his religious past, the rabbi was able to let Yimi find his own way back to faith. Yimi moved in with his new rabbi who became his best friend and confidant without any expectations. Yimi got a good job on his own merits, his own home, and started to live life to the fullest for the first time in years. In fact, it was the happiest he had been since Audie had passed.

Yimi had no idea how fragile that happiness was. Even though there were periods of depression from time to time, he was able to keep it under control for the most part. He had his friends near when things were at their worst. There were a few attempts at his own life, but they were caught and he was saved by those who loved him. At least until that day in late September of 2013 when he made the last attempt to contact you, his family, after years of unreturned calls and text messages. He couldn't understand why you would only take his calls if you were alone, and then only speak for a couple minutes. No one knew he was trying to reconcile with you, or how important it was for him. Suddenly everyone understood what he meant by Redneck Rehab, he was trying to show you he was normal and wanted to have his family in his life. But the last words from his dad were the final nail in his coffin, "Aw. Boo Hoo. Go cry to someone else." And he did. He took every single pill he had from recently refilled prescriptions: Chantix, Xanax, Lunesta, and Flexeril. He sent his friends a final text message of saying goodbye and drifted to sleep. The boy you called Yimi was never to wake again.

I woke up a few days later, unaware of my surroundings, to the calming voice of an old friend. He'd taken the liberty of calling my work to say I was ill and would be seeking medical attention if I didn't improve. I was given a lot of coffee and water to flush the residual chemicals from my body. I drank broths and soups to maintain my strength. My network of friends was able to reach out to doctors and psychiatrists who were very knowledgeable of gay issues, one specifically had experience dealing with people who had suffered emotional traumas from loved ones who wouldn't understand what homosexuality really was. The next week I was able to return to work and my friends kept close tabs on me by text messages throughout the day. I spent the following few weeks in counseling, where I was told the problem was no longer depression. I was actually suffering from PTSD inadvertently caused by those trying to help me all those years ago. The social worker who was counseling me did so for free; he said my survival was worth more than money. Everyone who was a part of my recovery had one question: How was I able to survive what I'd done?

You tried to contact your son a few times these past couple months but you only got voicemails and unanswered text messages. There are things I should tell you, but I can't because they'll likely be too painful for the both of us. You should know that Yimi Sadeh did everything he could to be the kind of man you'd be proud of. He was an exceptional man, despite the hardships that he carried with him. He finished school. He knew what unconditional love was. And he was truly happy with his life, even if it didn't meet your religious approval. I'm sure you heard on my voicemail that I am Z'ev Hadash, as I'm sure you're aware Hadash means New.  I am not a part of your family and I likely never will be. I'm no longer ashamed of letting the Great Family down for being different. I embrace who I am and will continue to do so. If you admit to anyone that you did have a son, you can tell them he passed away September 21, 2013 of complications of a medical condition. It wouldn't be a lie since the last part of Yimi that wanted so much to be loved by his family did die that night and it was his depression that took him.  I'm not sure if it means anything to you, Mrs. Sadeh, but I am very sorry for your loss.